Red Alert….Security Breach

I started this blog as a place to vent, a place to connect with others going through similar things. A place where I could be me. The me who’s not afraid what others may think of her. A place to talk about my fears and frustrations. I needed this place. Those that have not or are not going through similar circumstances cannot understand.

I recently had a breach of security. To be more exact, my mom found the blog. As you can imagine that’s not going all that well. I never intended for her to find it. I never intended for her to read my words, though I knew the possibility was there, it is then internet after all. I never meant to hurt her more than I already had by deconverting. I only meant to be me.

For now I’ve password protected most of my posts. Feel free to ask to read, I’m open to sharing my experiences with others, I just would rather my family not read. It hinders my ability to write so honestly.

If you would like the password, then you can email me at theagnosticswife[at]hotmaildotcom

Posted in Agnostic, Atheist, Family, Life, Outing Oneself | Tagged , , | 12 Comments

Easter

1abunnies007b1I’d like to do away with Easter all together in our house hold, but I probably won’t for the kids sake.

My whole family, strangely, stopped celebrating Easter together 5 or 6 years ago. Mainly when my grandma got up in age and couldn’t handle cooking a huge meal for everyone. No one else picked up the task, so we just stopped doing it all together. So, my kids have never experienced a Christian Easter, one where all your cousins get together and hunt colored eggs in your Sunday best, after you go to church.

The Easters they have experienced have always been here at home, with just us. In the morning they get up and find an Easter basket full of junk. I say junk, because that’s really all it ever is. Stuff they are going to immediately lose interest in and then I’m going to pick it up off the floor and put it in the giveaway pile.  They have never boiled eggs and colored them. I’ve always just gotten plastic eggs and filled them with more junk(candy, coins, small toys). They don’t even know why most people celebrate Easter. I take that back, they asked last year, but I don’t think they remember that. Of course, when they were really young I told them why it was celebrated, I was Christian then, and I know they don’t remember that.

So, it’s really not that big of a deal for them. However, since I’ve done it since they were born and they like candy, and to hunt the plastic eggs, they would miss it, so I do it year after year.

Kinda tired of it. Maybe I should get some Easter candy and I’d enjoy it more?

easter-bunny-funny-easter-bunny-6

What are your thoughts on Easter? Do you celebrate it and if so what does it mean to you?

Posted in About Me, Agnostic, Atheist, Children, Christian, Family, Holiday, Parenting | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

God and School

So, it’s been awhile. I’m just really having a hard time knowing what to write about. That and I’ve been busy with the boys and helping at their school. I have no time, nor do I have the concentration to write when they come home from school, and after they are in bed, well, that’s veg on the couch with the hubs time. A few of you have commented and emailed to check on me. Thank you so much! It’s nice to know that you care.

I do have a post I plan to write about today, but before I do that I’d like once again to do a question and answer post. I know I have several newer readers, some who might not have been around for the last few questions and answers. So, if there is anything you’d like to know feel free to email me or ask in the comment section.

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Ok, on with the post.

Evidently, a few weeks ago on the play ground the subject of God was brought up. I don’t know by who, or how it started, but K1 was asked if he believed in God. He didn’t tell me that this had happened until just recently, when another conversation took place in the classroom at center time, which is basically free play at designated stations in the class. K1 said when he was first asked he didn’t initially answer. I imagine him much like we all are when we are confronted with this question by someone. At least in my experience your mind goes through several scenario’s before you answer. He said he finally said no, he does not believe in God and added neither do his parents. To which one little girl replied, that she could not longer be friends with him and proceeded to try to convince several other children who were playing with him to run off and play with someone else. Which he said they did.

I didn’t hear about this conversation until a week ago, when on our way to dinner one evening he said one of his friends stopped being his friend and was telling other kids not to play with him because he didn’t believe in God. Now, let me just say my initial reaction was shock, that this was already becoming an issue in 1st grade and then anger, because this was already becoming and issue in 1st grade. He was quite indignant about the whole thing. He said he was at a center in the class with the little girl and a few others and he began to tell her that it hurt his feelings when she said she wouldn’t be his friend anymore and when she tried to get others to stop playing with him. He said he told her it didn’t matter what she or he believed that they could still be friends and that he was still a good person. I’m not sure what the little girl had told him would happen to him if he didn’t believe in God, but he told me he told her, that nothing was going to happen to him because he didn’t believe and “look, he was still here, he was fine.” I told him that unfortunately this is probably not going to be the only time this happens, to which he replied “why does it matter if I don’t believe, they can still believe in what they want to, it doesn’t have to make us stop being friends.” My boys smart! He’s also right, but I had to tell him that is not the way some people see it. That unfortunately that little girl has been taught that someone who does not believe in God is probably bad and not a good person, she doesn’t know any better and that it is our job to show them through kindness that in fact is not true. He wanted to know who would teach her such things. I had to tell him the truth and say her parents and her church and everyone else who believes the way she does.

My boy held his own. I know for a fact that this took place and that he was respectful, but able to communicate in his own words that this was hurtful to him as well as to communicate his side of things. I know this took place because the teacher told me. She also told me that she allowed them to have the conversation never stepping in because it did not involve an adult and was only between them. There was no yelling, or rudeness and at the end they seemed to have resolved something because they were playing together.  Now with that said I do need to tell you that this subject has come up in their class before,but it was just talk then. No one saying they couldn’t be friends and such. Around valentines day, when they were making their valentine boxes and my sons seatmate had things about God all over his box. The boy asked K1 if he loved God too and he simply said no, the boy told the teacher that K1 doesn’t love God, to which she said that’s ok, not everyone believes the same things.  Because I help in the classroom and because I’ve become somewhat friends with her she was able to tell me this along with a nice surprise. She too is a minority in the beliefs department that our state identifies with.

I could say much more about her, all nice things of course, but because I do not know who reads this I would never want to jeopardize her or her job. I would just like to say she handles it well and does not make it a big deal.

I’m proud of K1 for seeing that what we believe does not have to get in the way of our friendships, that standing up for ourselves is important, that doing is respectfully and with class is important. I am saddened that he has already been confronted with this. That others are already trying to make him feel less than. That he is even having to stand up for himself on this matter at all. I’m proud that he shared this experience with us and told us his concerns and how he handled it.

I did tell him that as he gets older he can explore what he believes, that just because mom and dad think something doesn’t mean he has to believe the same things. To which he said, I  kid you not, “I’m not going to believe that there is some man up in the sky listening to me. I’ve got no proof of that. “

Ahh, life in the Bible Belt.

Posted in Agnostic, Atheist, Children, Christian, God, Life, Outing Oneself, Parenting | Tagged , , , , | 9 Comments

Fibromyalgia. Maybe.

2Sometime last year I went to the doctor for extreme tiredness, despite adequate sleep and regular exercise, and joint pain and, well really a list of things. He poked and prodded and listened and then told me I might have Fibromyalgia. I think I mentioned this once before here, right after he told me and I basically ignored him. I don’t want Fibromyalgia. No one really knows what to do with that, least of all me. So I went about ignoring it and hurting every now and again and ignoring that as well. Sure it crossed my mind every once in awhile. Wondering if I actually had said confusing disease. Is it even a disease? I honestly don’t remember because I did all my reading on it a few days after the possible diagnosis and then I, you guessed it, ignored it.

I even had several tests done because my hands kept going numb and I was having a lot of wrist pain. I was checked for carpal tunnel and nerve damage. I had very mild carpal tunnel and not really any nerve damage.  So since I wasn’t going to need to worry about those two things. I ignored any discomfort I had and moved on.

This past November I began having some issues again. For a week I was having heart palpitations. I figured it was stress related and it would go away in a day or so, since my mother in law had just died. A few days had gone by and I was still having them, along with feeling out of breath and convinced my heart was beating irregularly. Since I have predominate heart disease in my family my doctor sent me to the cardiologist. It was in his office that he asked me if I had Fibromyalgia, I’m assuming the chart said I did. It was then I remembered that I’d been told that a year or so ago.

The cardiologist did an EKG and a heart echo and a treadmill stress test. All came back fine. Diagnosis stress induced heart palpitations and the reminder that I quite possibly have Fibromyalgia. Dammit.

You may ask what my hang up with Fibro is? I would tell you quite honestly I don’t understand it. I don’t like that I don’t understand it and that it has a hold on me. Making me feel so tired and drained that if I sit down for long enough I fall asleep. I don’t nap, but when I’m having, what I now call an episode or flare up, of said misunderstood issue I sure do. Despite being able to physically do just about anything, the motivation to do it and the knowledge that I’m quite possibly going to hurt like hell for a few days after make me not even want to move. Despite all this I’m still going to the gym and working with my trainer, however during my flare up I’m doing good to go twice a week opposed to my three to four times a week.

During my two-week flare up or whatever the hell it is, I’ve noticed all kinds of things I’ve been ignoring. Like how it seems when I’m having a flare up I have vision issues. Like my eyes feel fuzzy or blurry. My head will get a weird feeling, that I can’t even explain and when I try to I just sound crazy and people look at me like, huh. My neck hurts a lot as does my back and I don’t sleep as well because my neck will wake me up. Are all these connected to fibromyalgia? I don’t know? I’ve tackle them one by one at some point or another over the years and it’s never been anything serious. I’ve tried to Google what other people feel or experience during a flare up, but there really doesn’t seem to be a site that I’m aware of that tells me that these things are fibromyalgia.

So, I get a bit frustrated and then I try to ignore it. I’m not dying and I don’t seem to have an illness, other than maybe a mild case of hypochondria.

So I guess I probably do have Fibromyalgia. I don’t like it and I don’t understand it fully. I don’t fully understand what it does or what it causes. However ignoring it is getting harder and harder.

Dammit.

Posted in About Me, Life, Random Ramblings | Tagged , , , , , | 17 Comments

Ice Storm

DSC_0327I hadn’t had my “big” camera out in some time. Of course I have a camera at ready everyday with my iPhone and though it does take some pretty decent pictures I always enjoy using my Nikon.

Along with most of the U.S. we had an ice storm not too long ago. I don’t mind the ice too much if I don’t have to drive on it and it’s not knocking out my power. Neither happened with this storm.

DSC_0329I’m sure I’m not the only one, but I found it beautiful. Both to my eye and through my camera lens. I went out early one morning to let the chickens out. The world had not woken up yet. It was quiet except for the creak of the ice on the trees as they were weighted down and swayed in the breeze.  I stood for a moment and took it in. The ground was crunchy and made a loud noise as I walked to the chicken house. As I was trying to hurry and open the chicken house door, while trying to stay away from the rooster who knows he intimidates me, small birds were gathering over head to swoop down and grab some of the scratch I was throwing on the ground for the chickens.

DSC_0324I usually say I’m not a morning person. I hate to get up, but once up I find that the morning time is my favorite. It’s a new day, and with that new possibilities.

When the ice began to melt a few days later I found that beautiful as well. The sky was blue, not gray as the days before, and it shown off the ice like light hitting a diamond. It was falling from the trees quickly and with it the sound of crashing ice was all around. We have a small creek just next to our house and I stood and looked and listened for a moment. It was very noisy and very shiny. I enjoy these moments with nature. All that it is capable of. It’s beautiful and scary. It is an unstoppable force. One that I happen to enjoy, for the most part.

DSC_0347DSC_0330This is my favorite one.

Posted in About Me, Animals, Environment, Interesting, Life, photography | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

October, November and December

DSC_0246Photo taken by me. Florida May 2013

I wrote about the loss of our beloved Nana in November. I am still shocked at times when I realize I can’t text her or her call me and say “Hi, Girlfriend.” That’s always what she said when I answered. Grief for me as an atheist seems to be different then my grief was as a christian. It’s a bit tough to explain, but it’s like I understand the finality of it better as a non-believer and with that I can accept it better. I can accept that I will never see her again and while that saddens me, I don’t worry about where she might have gone and what she might be doing and if she’s watching over me. So on and so forth. All the things I wondered as a christian.

Watching my children experiance a loss such as this was hard, but I was surprised and proud that they really understood what was going on and what had happened. I’m of the opinion that we should not hide things from our children such as this. We were very upfront about what was going on and they asked almost daily how she was while she was hospitalized. We took them to see her before she fell so ill, while she was in the hospital, and we took them after she was basically comatose. I feel by being involved ,from a distance, helped them understand as it progressed that it was a very real possibility that Nana would not make it out of the hospital alive. We were hopeful and shared that with them, but when we could see that she was not going to recover, we shared that with them as well. One of my children deals by talking about Nana and the other prefers to not, though he realizes that others may need to talk about her to heal.

To add insult to injury a week after Nana died, K2′s kitty sneaked out of the house and got ran over. This was a kitty that Nana had bought him for his birthday, just 4 months prior. He took that pretty hard. He is the one who is more quiet about his grief over Nana and I think he might have or is currently hiding his sorrow about Nana behind his devastation of his kitty. We waited awhile and then added a new kitten to our family just before Christmas. She is one of the sweetest and silliest kittens I have ever seen. Loves to play with craft pom poms and drink running water out of the sink, which has cause a bit of a problem as I don’t really like the cats getting on the counter.

October was filled with worry for Nana and her future. November was filled with death and sorrow over the loss of Nana and Scout(the cat). December was spent realizing that last Christmas was the last with Nana and navigating relationships with other family members that hopefully are on some kind of mend. We also celebrated our anniversary of being married 17 years in December. Normally Nana would have watched the boys, this time we had to take them with us. We had scheduled a week before with my sister to watch them, but an ice storm messed those plans up.

Though we have our moments, each of us a different times it seems in our grief, I can honestly say we are doing ok. The kids only speak of the wonderful memories they have of her. When someone mentions that Nana is in Heaven watching over them, they have both said, no she’s in a box in mom and dad’s closet. That is the truth. She is in a box in our closet as she chose to be cremated. The answer to that is always “oh.”

And life goes on.

Posted in About Me, Atheist, Children | Tagged , , , , | 7 Comments

Hello

Hello! I have missed you all. Reading and interacting and so on. A lot has been going on and I hope to do a more in-depth post about that sometime soon.

What I wanted to say today was, that if you have been following my Agnostic Wife’s Facebook it is deactivated right now.

Facebook was just taking up too much of my time and I figured if something had that much of a hold on me then I should probably step back from it for a while. So I deactivated my private account, but it was linked to the Agnostic Wife’s account and it made me do both. :( I actually felt relief and a bit of grief when I hit that deactivate button. I knew then that it had too much control over me.

Both the AH and I have deactivated and plan to do all sorts of things besides be on Facebook. I will miss the cat memes though. :)

So with that extra time I hope to be able to spend some of it here. Boring you with my ramblings and a recipe or two that I’ve tried that happened to be a success.

See you soon!

Posted in About Me | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

Book Review- The Agnostic’s Tale

johnraeAfter identifying as an indifferent agnostic for 25 years, John Rae decided he needed to dig further into what he believed and why.  The Agnostic’s Tale is the written account of Mr. Rae’s research and journey.

While the book is a short read, it kept me interested. Rae’s goal was to remain open minded and speak not only to Christians from different beliefs, but to atheist both dogmatic and not. In the end he hoped to have a better grasp on what it was he believed. Time and again Mr. Rae was told by those that believe that the reason there is a god is because of the capacity to love unconditionally and our ability to be unselfish. Of course, he was also told by those that are unbelievers, such as Richard Dawkins that our ability to be unselfish is an evolved trait.

One of the biggest questions John Rae struggled with was why anything exists at all. Of course, no one could answer that and it was the knowledge given to him by Martin Rees that someday the earth will cease to exist and along with that it’s humans, that had Rea so hesitant to believe in any god at all.

I cannot help thinking about the time when the sun will die and the earth with it and the fact that there will be no trace, no memory anywhere in the universe that life on earth ever existed. The thought that the human adventure is going to end in oblivion may tilt my agnosticism, if not towards atheism, then at least towards Pessimism rather than Hope.  Page 6

In the end, Rea reached a conclusion about what he believed. He like many before him and many after, went in search of answers of the existence of a god. When those questions could not be answered he drew the only conclusion he could. A god does not exist.

I enjoyed Mr. Rea’s approach. While he ended up retaining his non belief, he retained his respect for the tradition of religion and respected it’s followers and leaders. I would suggest this book to those who’d like to see a variety of answers to the same questions, by both believers and unbelievers, it’s a easy thought provoking read.

John Rae passed away in 2006, however his wife Daphne Rae, had his book published as it was his wish. You can read a recent interview with Daphne Rae here.

Disclaimer-I received this book free. All that was required of me is that I write a review on my site after I was done reading.

Posted in Agnostic, Atheist, Christian, God, Reading | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment