“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” ― M. Scott Peck
One of the things that my mom has said to me several times is “why didn’t you tell me?” Why didn’t I tell her I was having a faith crisis? Why didn’t I tell her that the AH was having a faith crisis? Why didn’t I say anything? Why would I go through that alone? I actually think that my whole family wonders this. Wonders why neither the AH or I said a thing about what we were thinking and feeling about God and Christianity, about the Bible. My first inclination was to say, I don’t know! I don’t know why I didn’t say anything! However, I do know. At least I think I do. I knew that this would not be taken lightly by my family and it would upset everyone. They would spend a lot of time and energy trying to convince me that my questions, while good ones, needed to be directed at God and I could find my answers in the Bible. While the AH was searching and looking for his answers, I was desperately trying to figure out a way to change his mind. To make him forget all the stuff he had learned and to just believe again(yes, I actually thought these things in the beginning and have been told to do the same thing by others, now I understand that this is not how it works. Silly me!). I was scared and mad. Mad that this was happening and afraid of what would happen if my family found out. I felt at the time, and knew they would feel the same way, that what he was doing was a very bad and dangerous thing. He was putting our souls at risk. All of us, his, mine and our children. I guess I wanted to hide it all, tell no one, until I could convince him that he was wrong(seriously, ugh).
As you know, on my journey to try to convince him otherwise and to become more knowledgeable myself, I too began to question what I believed. I didn’t want to burden anyone else with my thoughts and questions, it was such a burden at the time. I also felt that I would not get an unbiased answer from my family. I knew what they would say. I also have always been pretty private with my religious beliefs. I felt like the relationship that I had with my God was between him and me. I didn’t need anyone else giving me their opinion on how they thought it should be. I kept it to myself because I didn’t want to be viewed as a hypocrite. I hated how hypocritical everyone seemed to me.
That and the fact that I think I’m very guarded when it comes to sharing my most inner thoughts with others. In my past experiences that only got me hurt and deeply disappointed many times. I also felt that this was my journey and I had to travel that road alone. It was such a long, lonely road at the time. Perhaps I should have shared some of it with my family it might have made it easier when I finally come to my conclusion and deconverted. I know there is still a lot of confusion on my families part about what happened. How did I go from a Christian to not believing at all? When I try to answer those questions things become heated between some family members. My answers don’t seem to be good enough for some of them, but they are the only answers I have. They are how I got from there to here. I know that most, if not all, of my family wish I would still believe and view me and my beliefs as something bad. Thinking that I have nothing to live for and that my morals are now in question. They think nothing could be worse than to lose sight of God. I’m on the other side of that now. It’s good here. I’m not ashamed that I used my brain to think this stuff through. I’m not ashamed that I did the research when I had questions. I’m sorry I have disappointed those I love, though some of them have surly disappointed me too. I’m not sorry that my children will have the tools to think things through and not just take someone or something’s word for it not matter how silly it seems.
So, I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t trust anyone. I was ashamed because I viewed what was happening as bad. I truly thought God would intervene in someway to confirm that he was real. That was when the AH was deconverting. I didn’t tell anyone when I began to questions because I didn’t trust anyone. I was scared and trying to figure out who I was without God. How to live my life as an unbeliever. What the next step was. All things that I had to answer myself, not someone else. Where I live, this is the path less traveled. This makes me a minority. I’ve had to come to terms with being “different from those I love. I had to come to terms with the looks of pity and the guilt of not following tradition.
For all those reasons and probably a few more I did not tell anyone. Well, anyone but the internet that is.
“Life is complex. Each one of us must make his own path through life. There are no self-help manuals, no formulas, no easy answers. The right road for one is the wrong road for another…The journey of life is not paved in blacktop; it is not brightly lit, and it has no road signs. It is a rocky path through the wilderness. ” ― M. Scott Peck