My Melancholia

I feel melancholy today. Really I have for the past couple of days. I have started two separate posts and have been unable to finish them. I seem to run out of steam halfway through and don’t really know how to convey what I’m trying to say. So I’ve left them unfinished and unpublished.

Maybe it’s the time of year? Or that we had a time change, or that Winter is ahead and I do get the winter blues sometimes.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with my mom and how it’s not like I would like it to be, but I don’t really know what to do about that. I mostly just feel sad lately that our relationship is where it is and neither of us seem to know what the other needs to repair it. Or if it can be repaired or if we want it to be repaired.

I’ve been feeling a bit down on myself as well. Feeling like I’m not doing enough or not good enough or smart enough. That’s just silly isn’t it? Because I know I am good enough, but I guess I have a fear of not being. I’m short with my kids sometimes and I now have a fear that the AH and I will be accused of something that is untrue and we will have to defend that. It has created a lot of trust issues which I guess I already had, but have been made bigger by some of the accusations that my mom has made.

My house is not as clean as I would like it and it’s not beautifully done up like some of the home decor blogs I see. There are many ideas I have and many things I would love to do in our home but quite frankly I have a hard time choosing a wall color now days. Shoot, I have a hard time deciding what picture of the boys to print and hang. Indecision has always plagued me.

I’ve still been going to the gym. I’m on month two now. I’ve lost four pounds so far and have toned up a lot. I don’t feel like it’s good enough. I feel like I should be losing more weight. That’s stupid. I am seeing progress and I am doing the best I can. I go 3 to 4 times a week and meet with a trainer one of those days. I’ve cut out soda and halved my carbs. I no longer binge eat after the kids go to bed, even though I want to. Why, at this point, do I feel that is not good enough?

Suppose it’s my melancholy mood.

So, to those of you out there who feels like your home is not good enough, or pretty enough rest assured all those home decor blogs have stuff crammed in corners just out of camera site. If you feel like you are not being the best parent you can be, we all feel that way sometimes, or so I am told. Tomorrow is a new day.

When I feel like this, what helps me is to remember I’m pretty “normal” and if I feel this way there must be so many people feeling like this. So I guess this is me telling you, you are not alone. In in the process hopefully I will make myself feel better too.

How are you feeling today?

P.S. Have you seen the movie Melancholia? It has one of my favorite actors in it. Alexander Skarsgard. Despite, what I thought was a good cast, I did not like the movie. As a matter of fact I didn’t even finish it. Did you like it?

P.S.S I wrote this yesterday. I do feel better today!

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About theagnosticswife

Living in the bible belt, in middle America, with a once Christian husband who has turned Agnostic. I no longer know what I believe.
This entry was posted in About Me, Environment, Family and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to My Melancholia

  1. D'Ma says:

    Sometimes I don’t feel good enough. I don’t know why. I just don’t. I never feel smart enough, nice enough, kind enough, patient enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, rich enough, well enough dressed. Enough already! When I feel this way I always try to remind myself I’m actually pretty darned cool. But it’s usually not enough.

    When our relationships are all out of whack it seems to make it worse even though there’s usually not a lot we can do about it. I’ve seen you self-examine here enough to know that if there were you’d probably do it. Relationships are two-way streets. Acceptance of that fact can bring a lot of peace, but somehow the chaos and the uneasiness find ways to rear their ugly heads.

    So from me to you…you are good enough!

    • D’Ma! I’m so glad to hear from you! Now let me tell you I saw your picture of you and your Englishman today on your blog. Even though it was the back of you both you looked beautiful, and skinny enough and dressed well enough. I could go on. All that from the back of you. If only I could see the front. 🙂

      Thank you for telling me I’m good enough. Though I know it, it’s always nice to hear.

  2. Michael Mock says:

    ::steps onto soap box::
    Ahem. Weight is a terrible measure of physical fitness. Why? Because muscle ways more than fat. When I was fifteen and sixteen, I was doing gymnastics one night a week, wrestling two afternoons a week, and running cross-country. Then the school year ended, and I quit doing all of it, almost at once.

    I lost fifteen pounds. And I will absolutely guarantee you that losing that weight did not improve my physique one bit.

    Don’t watch your weight. Watch your endurance; watch your physical capabilities; watch your tone. Weight is less than useless; it’s misleading.
    ::steps off soap box::

    Also… I’m having a bit of that melancholy myself, and part of it is just allergies. That, and the holiday season bearing down on us like a runaway express train. And yeah, our house is a mess, because neither of us have had the energy to clean and the boys don’t know how. My writing projects are stalled, I haven’t done any martial arts in five years, and honestly all I really want to do at this point is find a dark corner and hibernate for a week or two.

    That said, I just got back from the doctor’s office, so I’ll pick up antibiotics on the way home; I’m trying to get more rest (and the weather has to change soon); and hopefully I’ll be closer to fully functional again soon.

    Also, I won’t have to hear any more political ads for a while. That’s definitely worth celebrating.

    • Just today my trainer said she could defiantly see a difference and my endurance is WAY better than it used to be. I know muscle weights more than fat, but well you know, I wanna have results faster and more drastic because dammit sometimes I hate exercising and just want to eat cookies! Of course the AH says he can see a difference and that makes me feel good, but he is biased and a bit blind without his glasses. 🙂

      So your right. I’m doing good!

      Seriously I hate the time change it gets dark so early, it just makes me want to whine. Hope you feel better soon. My allergies have been bothering me too, my sinuses felt like they were on fire this morning.

      Also, I am SO stinking glad that this election is over. So tired of it all.

      Put your soap box away until next time. 😛

  3. artsifrtsy says:

    It sounds like you are tackling a lot of hard challenges – moving forward is more than good enough. Sometimes with parental relationships you just have to come to a point where it doesn’t affect your identity. I had a tough relationship with my dad and there was a time where I came to appreciate the quiet of when he wasn’t speaking to me. We worked it out but it took a long time.

  4. Heather says:

    I hate feeling this way and it always happens around this time of year. I want to loose some pounds as well, the house is a mess, there is never enough $$………. What I like to do when I’m feeling this way is to take some time for me, or with my husband and just refocus. I love LOVE baths with a glass of wine. MMMMMM. Or going out to dinner with the hubs is always lovely too.

    Hope ya feel better soon!

  5. prairienymph says:

    Yeah, this whole summer and fall I’ve been a little draggy. Its gotten worse this past bit what with snow, grey skies, and being sick. But today the sun is out! And I’ve decided I need to paint the walls of my house. Maybe the dirty putty colour of the walls is affecting my mood and a fresh green, sunny yellow, coral glow, contemplative violet or a warm orange would help. Now, if I only I can sustain the energy to paint with my little ‘helpers’ 🙂

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