I feel melancholy today. Really I have for the past couple of days. I have started two separate posts and have been unable to finish them. I seem to run out of steam halfway through and don’t really know how to convey what I’m trying to say. So I’ve left them unfinished and unpublished.
Maybe it’s the time of year? Or that we had a time change, or that Winter is ahead and I do get the winter blues sometimes.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with my mom and how it’s not like I would like it to be, but I don’t really know what to do about that. I mostly just feel sad lately that our relationship is where it is and neither of us seem to know what the other needs to repair it. Or if it can be repaired or if we want it to be repaired.
I’ve been feeling a bit down on myself as well. Feeling like I’m not doing enough or not good enough or smart enough. That’s just silly isn’t it? Because I know I am good enough, but I guess I have a fear of not being. I’m short with my kids sometimes and I now have a fear that the AH and I will be accused of something that is untrue and we will have to defend that. It has created a lot of trust issues which I guess I already had, but have been made bigger by some of the accusations that my mom has made.
My house is not as clean as I would like it and it’s not beautifully done up like some of the home decor blogs I see. There are many ideas I have and many things I would love to do in our home but quite frankly I have a hard time choosing a wall color now days. Shoot, I have a hard time deciding what picture of the boys to print and hang. Indecision has always plagued me.
I’ve still been going to the gym. I’m on month two now. I’ve lost four pounds so far and have toned up a lot. I don’t feel like it’s good enough. I feel like I should be losing more weight. That’s stupid. I am seeing progress and I am doing the best I can. I go 3 to 4 times a week and meet with a trainer one of those days. I’ve cut out soda and halved my carbs. I no longer binge eat after the kids go to bed, even though I want to. Why, at this point, do I feel that is not good enough?
Suppose it’s my melancholy mood.
So, to those of you out there who feels like your home is not good enough, or pretty enough rest assured all those home decor blogs have stuff crammed in corners just out of camera site. If you feel like you are not being the best parent you can be, we all feel that way sometimes, or so I am told. Tomorrow is a new day.
When I feel like this, what helps me is to remember I’m pretty “normal” and if I feel this way there must be so many people feeling like this. So I guess this is me telling you, you are not alone. In in the process hopefully I will make myself feel better too.
How are you feeling today?
P.S. Have you seen the movie Melancholia? It has one of my favorite actors in it. Alexander Skarsgard. Despite, what I thought was a good cast, I did not like the movie. As a matter of fact I didn’t even finish it. Did you like it?
P.S.S I wrote this yesterday. I do feel better today!