Seeking Change

inspirational-quotes-adjust-your-sailsAs I’m sure you’re well aware of, I have taken a break from blogging. I just couldn’t write. I wanted to write. I intended to write and maybe I needed to write, but I didn’t. I’ve been on  another journey of sorts. The journey of becoming who I am without my mother’s approval and quite possibly who I was supposed to be all along.

When I “came out” to my mom I was still figuring out what being a non-christian meant. I was still struggling with the things that I had recently discovered and I was not really ready to have those questioned and scrutinized by others, much less my mother or the rest of my family. I should have waited to revel my non-belief, but that’s not how it happened and we’ve all paid the price for it. I watched with shaky hands and a quivering voice my mother’s face when her, what she calls suspicions, were confirmed. The look of confusion, the shock and horror, right into pity, mixed with some contempt. At that moment our relationship changed forever. It is broken.

I’ve needed some time to think through that, and then some time to not think about it at all. Now I’m thinking about what I am going to do about that if anything. In late December or early January it become too much and I cut ties with her. I stopped taking phone calls, which were very limited in the first place, with me doing all the work, and I stopped answering email and texts from her. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, because I’ve always craved her approval. I became very angry, and still feel that at times. Angry that she was allowed to have her thoughts and feelings about a belief and share them with me and tell me what she thought about me and my family and where we would be going and what would happen to us because of it, but I was not allowed to do the same because I was brain washed(her words).

I was trying to do the right thing by letting her have her time to grieve. She even stated to me that she should have time to grieve how she saw fit. I agreed with her, however I allowed her to mistreat me and my family for way too long. Calling me names, spreading rumors and lies about my husband, disrespecting my children. The list could go on it does go on. I was/am angry and hurt that love didn’t win out. That I didn’t receive what I would have given. It’s been a time of reflection these last seven months.

I saw my mom for the first time in seven months yesterday. I noticed her hesitation in coming up to me and I felt her sadness and hurt as I hugged her. Conversation didn’t flow easily and we only shared a few words together. We were acquaintances and not friends. We were mother and daughter in name only. I am still saddened by the relationship that I would have/have always wanted with her.

I am angry that religion was one reason my mom said all those things and acted the way she did. I’m angry that religion continues to hurt people, that it makes it ok to say and do and think and be a certain way. Even though I’ve dropped religion it has continued to not only impact me, but my family as well.

Religion along with some other issues my mom has, has taken away my relationship with my mom. It has broken, beyond repair, the relationship with her and my husband and has caused an almost non-existent relationship between grandparent and grandchild.

I miss my mom at times and I’m sad of the relationships that are not flourishing because of what has taken place between us. I don’t, however, miss the judgment, the verbal abuse, bullying and the constant approval I craved.

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” 
― Barack Obama

I’ve been seeking my change.

Advertisements

About theagnosticswife

Living in the bible belt, in middle America, with a once Christian husband who has turned Agnostic. I no longer know what I believe.
This entry was posted in About Me, Agnostic, Atheist, Family, Life and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to Seeking Change

  1. jinkies says:

    {{hugs}} I am so sorry that you’re going through this with your mom and that your family is as well. Your story is why I’m not telling my family and christian friends. I would lose most of them, I am quite sure. I hope that someday you’re able to move on and be at peace with what happened between you and your mom. You’re in my thoughts.

    • Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your hugs and support. It is what it is I guess. Coming out is never easy and then when the other party takes it so hard it makes it all the more difficult.

  2. Sylvia says:

    Sending you love and hoping one day things will get better.

  3. Rose says:

    I feel a kinship to you….in so many ways. Talking with other like-minded people might help….I know they are hard to find. If you feel better, I would love to email you with my support. It is hard to admit to being who we are because we were afraid to be what we wanted to be.

  4. bumfuzzled says:

    I’m so sorry this never got any better.

    I hope you don’t think it’s your fault your children don’t have a relationship with their grandmother. This was 100% her choice.

    I wish you all the best in your journey forward and I hope you feel like sharing it with us. I always enjoy your posts. They make me think 🙂

    Sending love and positive thoughts.

  5. D'Ma says:

    {{{hugs}}}

    I don’t know what to say that hasn’t already been said. Nothing that can be said will make it hurt less. I really hate the fact that love doesn’t always win. It bites the big one. 😦

  6. Michael Mock says:

    What everyone else said. The situation sucks, but I think you’re handling it as well as possible.

  7. Charity says:

    I am so sorry. I just came out to an old Messianic Jewish friend, I am almost certain we’re done. She’s the first one I came out to.

    I can’t begin to imagine coming out to my Pentecostal parents. It sounds as though your mother was already manipulative and hard to please. People like that tend to make us want to hide our identity when we need to actually stand our ground with them even more than what we would with someone else. I may not know you, but I am proud of your bravery to be your authentic self!

    • Thank you Charity! I’m sorry that coming out to your friend did not go so well. Hopefully she will digest the information and then be respectful of your views. Wishful thinking perhaps. I have wanted to hide my identity so many times out of fear. I am tired of doing that. Thank you for encouraging me! Thanks for the nomination as well!

      • Charity says:

        I don’t know if this helps, but just two days after my first coming out with the above mentioned friend I came out to my hair dresser who I’ve only known for a few months. I actually got a very positive response from her. She’s very much an independent thinker, and it really helped me. As for the friend, I suspected the little we had left would have died sooner or later, I might as well be me.

        Coming out is healthy, and I told my husband that since I have come out a little bit I feel better. Grant it, I haven’t to my parents yet, but I have thrown them hints for the past year.

        Think of it this way, if you can come out to an authority figure like your mother who made it about her (as people tend to do, including my previously mentioned friend), you can come out to anyone! I really believe that. This is big! Don’t let her guilt you, you sound like a grown woman, and I’m sure you toiled over leaving your faith for years. I haven’t had the nerve to come out to any of my relatives, and you go straight to your mother to do so. That is really impressive. I’m not trying to sound unsympathetic to the pain you must feel, but I just want to place emphasis on your success. You succeed when you at least try and allow you to be yourself, not on whether or not you please someone.

        I hope that you find some sort of hope out of all of this. In the midst of the enormous amount of grief you must be experiencing, know that you did what is right. You have so much more courage than me. Just look at all the support you have had on this post alone. TAW, I assure you, there are so many of us agnostics, atheists, humanists, and liberal Christians out there now all over North America and throughout the UK, and around the world. People who were formerly Baptists, Pentecostals, Catholics, and Mormons are deciding for ourselves to not go along with the crowd for the sake of tradition, rituals, and in keeping up with appearances. We just couldn’t take the self hate and hating on others anymore and got out!

        Hold your head up, my dear. I may not know you’re whole story, but I do know that you’ve gone further than so many of us in your de-conversion.

      • Thank you Charity for your kind words. I do not feel brave most times and I still experience shame about the whole thing from time to time, though that is much less now than it used to be. I was so very afraid to tell my mom because I feared her reaction and my fears were warranted. I tried to hide it for awhile and it just came out.

        I do agree that the more non’s that come out and show and tell people that their perception of an unbeliever is wrong is helpful, but its got a long way to go. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s