Safe Haven

safehavenNetflix recently released Safe Haven. I went to the movies to see it when it first came out. I liked the movie, little bit of romance, little bit of surprise and a little bit of crazy. Makes for a good combination.

I left feeling a bit, hmm, I don’t know what, contemplative maybe.

In the movie the lead character(played by Julianne Hough) is running from something. She boards a bus and gets off in this small, charming, ocean front town in North Carolina. There she begins to make a new life, with new people and becomes very happy.

I’ve talked about sometimes wanting to run away on the blog before. When I watch this movie I begin to think about it again. To think about what it would be like to take myself and my family to a safe haven. Someplace where we are new and no one knows that we are heathens. Where new relationships can be formed on trust and being up front with each other. Where I can leave behind these old or stagnant relationships, who have basically rejected me and mine, because of what we are not.  Where I’m free to be me because there are no preconceived notions of what I should be or what I once was.

Through these last several years, that is where I have struggled. Not fitting in. Where being true to yourself coincides with what everyone wants you to be and if I’m being honest, what you wish you could be for them.

Weighing heavy on me, is the fact that my best friend doesn’t seem to really want to have much to do with me anymore. Since she found out she has been distant and rejected my attempts to reach out to her. She has messaged the AH to tell him all the reasons he should believe in God and that he really knows there is a God, but just doesn’t want to admit it. She has not said these things to me or contacted me, just him. Leading me to believe that, she too thinks he and he alone has led me down this road to denying a god.

Maybe I have a case of the grass is always greener. I’m not sure. I wonder if it’s just not the-grass-is-greener-436x620where I live and who my family and friends are. Why must I be rejected because I believe in one less god than those who are doing the rejecting? Why must children who have been in my life their whole life, now be protected from me? Why? Besides, I’m tired of trying to water the grass here, it feels like someone is always putting a kink in my hose.

I am to the point with my friend, who I have known since grade school, that I am stepping back. I am done with giving her space and hoping she will deal and come to the conclusion that she likes me for me, not for what I believed in. I am stepping back and it’s saddens me that this is not the first, or second time or even third time I am doing this since I came out to my friends and family. This is the fourth time. The fourth time that I believe religion has come between a relationship that I have had with someone. The fourth time that I have felt I’m no longer good enough for them. The fourth time, I have grieved a loss of sorts.

So you see, I suppose I have this fantasy in my head that if I go somewhere where I’m likely to be more accepted, somewhere where the beauty would distract me, somewhere where I could be a non believer from the get go, life could be more beautiful.

Because some days it would be easier to be distanced from those I love and care about because of miles,  not because of personal beliefs.


p.s. I realize this post seems whiny and poor meish. However, after I’ve thought on these things for days, it helps me to write them out, which in turn helps me to let them go, at least for the time being. It helps me step back and say, hey, that was yesterday and today is a new day and you have those that love you, and like you the way you are, maybe not the ones you had hopped, but good, likable people none the less. I need more good, likable people in my life.

About theagnosticswife

Living in the bible belt, in middle America, with a once Christian husband who has turned Agnostic. I no longer know what I believe.
This entry was posted in About Me, Agnostic, Atheist, Outing Oneself and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Safe Haven

  1. bumfuzzled says:

    Oh my, the times I have thought the very exact thing! And you know, I’m not so sure that moving somewhere else is such a bad idea after all. At least not in a situation where you’re getting absolutely zero support where you currently are. I just wouldn’t know where to begin looking. I’m wondering if a larger city would be more diverse and accepting.

    • A larger city would probably be more diverse, but I do enjoy the smaller towns, somewhere that I can have some space of my own. I’m confusing that way because smaller towns are more apt to be cliquish. I want it all you know! 😋

      • Someone says:

        Hi agnosticswife, I stumbled across your blog today. Wish we could meet! You must live in the south too. I know what you mean, I already have lost friends because I never was a “traditional” religious person and it showed. But now that I am officially over the line into agnosticism, I’m sure everyone I know around here would quit talking to me if they knew. Harboring a secret that you know would alienate people you care about, is not the best way to live. I can’t argue with your honesty but have decided for my childrens’ sake not to go all the way there myself.

  2. -rb says:

    I recommend a large suburbia on the outskirts of a well educated city. In the Northern Virginia (or the more progressively governed Maryland) suburbs of Washington DC, there is significant diversity, substantial economy (good paying jobs as well as expensive housing), lots of education, and enough people that you can easily find a place to fit in. There are cliques everywhere; it’s human nature, unfortunately. But… Life is too short to be surrounded by negative energy. You’ve already proven yourself to be brave enough to handle a change! Good luck!

  3. Zoe Bloomer says:

    My heart goes out to you. Most of my life I too have wanted to run away. I don’t know how many times Biker Dude had to listen to that. I’m getting old enough now I realize it ain’t going to happen. But I do get a reprieve wintering in your far south for the winter. (I’ve always wanted to say “ain’t” and I found the perfect time to do so.) 🙂
    That fact that she is going through your husband, (think that’s called *triangling* in psychological talk) seems immature and manipulative and shows little respect for what you once had in your friendship. I don’t know. What a mess. Sorry you have to go through this and feel like this and no it is not whiny. It’s real, raw and honest.

    • Thanks Zoe :). I’ve notice a couple of people have gone to him instead of me and then they get upset and highly offended, usually not liking him as we’ll as they did, because he’s not afraid to tell it as he sees it. I’m a people pleaser, he is not and they always get so insulted at the way he sees it.

      Why don’t they just come to me? I assume its because they think he’s the driving force behind my unbelief. That gets old. I don’t know how it’s going to play out with my friend. She says she wants to remain friends but is having a hard time dealing with my unbelief and my hubby’s unapologetic approach to her trying to convince him he’s wrong.

      • Zoe Bloomer says:

        Is it possible to have a friendship with her that has nothing to do with hubby?

        This whole “blame hubby” doesn’t give you much credit does it. Like you don’t have a mind of your own. Having said all that I totally get her having a hard time with your unbelief. I have no good advice. I’m down to one Christian friend now. I’ve been totally open with her and she seems to accept me. She lives in the U.S. and we don’t see each other much so maybe that helps. We talk about lots of other stuff.

        I was just thinking too that blaming the husband might be part of the whole patriarchy thing. I wonder how she’d feel if we flipped the scenerio and say her husband converted first and then she did and then we all blamed him for her conversion and treated her like she didn’t have a mind of her own?

      • Someone says:

        Well that’s part of all but the most liberal of christianity. The husband is seen as the head of the household, spiritually and otherwise, and you’re just… well, just a rib with an apron on :-D. They don’t come to you because either they assume he’s behind it, or at least responsible for it, as if you’re just a puppet who mouths what he tells you to. (which is exactly what some christian wives are 😮 ). IMO you won’t be losing anything by losing this friend. She doesn’t sound like she has the capacity to handle you as a person.

  4. tlethbridge says:

    I don’t think moving is a bad idea, if you are in a position where work and other requirements can work out. A lot of the advantage to moving, I speculate, is forcing ourselves as out of our own rut; not just changing the environment. If you move, one of the things you will have to do is find new communities where you fit. Could there be communities within your area where you might fit better that you have not yet explored? Since leaving my faith, I think I have been more open to the idea of community outside of church (I do still attend church somewhat). I was surprised to find many aspects in these other communities that I had somehow thought were unique to church. We started riding motorcycles and found a community to ride with based around a mechanics shop. People share meals there, members of the group help one older man who can no longer ride or drive get to the grocery store and doctor’s appointments, and the group gathers to ride every Sunday out of the county to eat together. Members of this community help each other out, help teach new community members, and help those in need outside the community. In so many ways, it is like church except belief in God or lack of belief in God has nothing to do with a sense of belonging or acceptance.

    We did not ride motorcycles before, so trying something that took us out of our previous comfort zone introduced us to a whole new community. It might not be motorcycles for you (though they are really fun), but finding something to be passionate about like you (we) once were for religion might help you find a welcoming community of like minded people.

    • There are some atheist groups within 20 miles of me. Also a Unitarian church, but I’ve yet to research either one of them extensively. I’m an introvert when if comes to putting myself out there and going new places, yet I would love to have a bigger network of friends. Heck any liked minded friends for that matter.

      • tlethbridge says:

        Hi TAW,
        I am totally the same way, if it were not for my wife I might be almost a hermit. An atheist group or UU church might be the best place for you to find a new community, I don’t know you well enough to judge. I would say we have had the best luck finding new communities that did not really care about our current or former religious views. This may be because my wife and I are divided on this issue and it is not a topic for easy conversation (which may also be why I spend so much time perusing blogs by the deconverted). I thought about trying to join a humanist group for support, but currently feel it would constantly remind me of where I had been in contrast to where I am now. Instead I would suggest finding an interest you and your husband share in common and finding a group of like minded people. Book club, gardening, motorcycles, stray animals, a battered women’s shelter, photography, you name it, there is probably a group near you that is joined by that interest. In retrospect, I think church was primarily a group of people joined by a common ideology and belief system. Replacing it was far easier than I expected, and thus far the non-church communities have been far more accepting, welcoming, and non-judging than church ever was.

        Just $.02 offered from the cheap seats, hopefully of some value in appreciation for you sharing your heart with others on a similar journey.

  5. jinkies says:

    I loved this post! I don’t have any ideas since I haven’t even come out to my friends or family. But I enjoyed this post immensely 🙂

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