Photo taken by me. Florida May 2013
I wrote about the loss of our beloved Nana in November. I am still shocked at times when I realize I can’t text her or her call me and say “Hi, Girlfriend.” That’s always what she said when I answered. Grief for me as an atheist seems to be different then my grief was as a christian. It’s a bit tough to explain, but it’s like I understand the finality of it better as a non-believer and with that I can accept it better. I can accept that I will never see her again and while that saddens me, I don’t worry about where she might have gone and what she might be doing and if she’s watching over me. So on and so forth. All the things I wondered as a christian.
Watching my children experiance a loss such as this was hard, but I was surprised and proud that they really understood what was going on and what had happened. I’m of the opinion that we should not hide things from our children such as this. We were very upfront about what was going on and they asked almost daily how she was while she was hospitalized. We took them to see her before she fell so ill, while she was in the hospital, and we took them after she was basically comatose. I feel by being involved ,from a distance, helped them understand as it progressed that it was a very real possibility that Nana would not make it out of the hospital alive. We were hopeful and shared that with them, but when we could see that she was not going to recover, we shared that with them as well. One of my children deals by talking about Nana and the other prefers to not, though he realizes that others may need to talk about her to heal.
To add insult to injury a week after Nana died, K2’s kitty sneaked out of the house and got ran over. This was a kitty that Nana had bought him for his birthday, just 4 months prior. He took that pretty hard. He is the one who is more quiet about his grief over Nana and I think he might have or is currently hiding his sorrow about Nana behind his devastation of his kitty. We waited awhile and then added a new kitten to our family just before Christmas. She is one of the sweetest and silliest kittens I have ever seen. Loves to play with craft pom poms and drink running water out of the sink, which has cause a bit of a problem as I don’t really like the cats getting on the counter.
October was filled with worry for Nana and her future. November was filled with death and sorrow over the loss of Nana and Scout(the cat). December was spent realizing that last Christmas was the last with Nana and navigating relationships with other family members that hopefully are on some kind of mend. We also celebrated our anniversary of being married 17 years in December. Normally Nana would have watched the boys, this time we had to take them with us. We had scheduled a week before with my sister to watch them, but an ice storm messed those plans up.
Though we have our moments, each of us a different times it seems in our grief, I can honestly say we are doing ok. The kids only speak of the wonderful memories they have of her. When someone mentions that Nana is in Heaven watching over them, they have both said, no she’s in a box in mom and dad’s closet. That is the truth. She is in a box in our closet as she chose to be cremated. The answer to that is always “oh.”
And life goes on.
The Agnostic Wife 
Oh my goodness. Their answers to the heaven issue must really throw some people off. Will make some people think too . . . I think. (((hugs)))
Grief is different from a non-theistic point of view.
It has caused at least one person to think. One of my sons was seeing a counselor at the time and she evidently had asked him if he prayed. This was before Nana passed but while she was in the hospital. After his session she said she needed to ask what we believed because she didn’t want to force her views on him, because when she asked him if he prayed, he didn’t really know what that was or how to do it. Though we’ve discussed what praying was before. I had to tell her we don’t believe in anything and when you die, your dead.I swear she saw both him and requested to see his brother for a few more weeks to see how that panned out. lol
She slipped up one day while in the waiting room and said well Nana is looking down on you on. K1 looked at her and said no, she’s not. She’s dead and in a box in mom and dad’s closet.
When it was all said and done, she said they showed proper grief, and were adjusting normally. I could have told her that. 🙂
I missed my mother-in-law terribly when she passed. I understand your grief and emptiness. I have to admit I laughed at your children’s matter of fact answer about the box.
I think I actually appreciate my life more than I did as a Christian, although I admit to still wishing there was something else……something more. Maybe that will pass, I don’t know.
Thank you for sharing your story.
If I remember correctly in the beginning I still wished it were all true, that there was something out there that cared. For the most part that has left, but every once in awhile I feel anger at the god that’s not there.
I understand the “anger at god” thing too. I can never explain it, but it’s interesting to know someone else feels this too.
I’m so sorry that you and your family have gone through such loss. I do have to say that the way your children answered was perfect; it made me smile 🙂
I really would have liked to have seen the therapist’s face when “K1 looked at her and said no, she’s not. She’s dead and in a box in mom and dad’s closet.” 🙂
You’ve been dealing with a lot though. So for you to be able to say you’re doing okay is a pretty good feat, I’d say.