Netflix recently released Safe Haven. I went to the movies to see it when it first came out. I liked the movie, little bit of romance, little bit of surprise and a little bit of crazy. Makes for a good combination.
I left feeling a bit, hmm, I don’t know what, contemplative maybe.
In the movie the lead character(played by Julianne Hough) is running from something. She boards a bus and gets off in this small, charming, ocean front town in North Carolina. There she begins to make a new life, with new people and becomes very happy.
I’ve talked about sometimes wanting to run away on the blog before. When I watch this movie I begin to think about it again. To think about what it would be like to take myself and my family to a safe haven. Someplace where we are new and no one knows that we are heathens. Where new relationships can be formed on trust and being up front with each other. Where I can leave behind these old or stagnant relationships, who have basically rejected me and mine, because of what we are not. Where I’m free to be me because there are no preconceived notions of what I should be or what I once was.
Through these last several years, that is where I have struggled. Not fitting in. Where being true to yourself coincides with what everyone wants you to be and if I’m being honest, what you wish you could be for them.
Weighing heavy on me, is the fact that my best friend doesn’t seem to really want to have much to do with me anymore. Since she found out she has been distant and rejected my attempts to reach out to her. She has messaged the AH to tell him all the reasons he should believe in God and that he really knows there is a God, but just doesn’t want to admit it. She has not said these things to me or contacted me, just him. Leading me to believe that, she too thinks he and he alone has led me down this road to denying a god.
Maybe I have a case of the grass is always greener. I’m not sure. I wonder if it’s just not where I live and who my family and friends are. Why must I be rejected because I believe in one less god than those who are doing the rejecting? Why must children who have been in my life their whole life, now be protected from me? Why? Besides, I’m tired of trying to water the grass here, it feels like someone is always putting a kink in my hose.
I am to the point with my friend, who I have known since grade school, that I am stepping back. I am done with giving her space and hoping she will deal and come to the conclusion that she likes me for me, not for what I believed in. I am stepping back and it’s saddens me that this is not the first, or second time or even third time I am doing this since I came out to my friends and family. This is the fourth time. The fourth time that I believe religion has come between a relationship that I have had with someone. The fourth time that I have felt I’m no longer good enough for them. The fourth time, I have grieved a loss of sorts.
So you see, I suppose I have this fantasy in my head that if I go somewhere where I’m likely to be more accepted, somewhere where the beauty would distract me, somewhere where I could be a non believer from the get go, life could be more beautiful.
Because some days it would be easier to be distanced from those I love and care about because of miles, not because of personal beliefs.
p.s. I realize this post seems whiny and poor meish. However, after I’ve thought on these things for days, it helps me to write them out, which in turn helps me to let them go, at least for the time being. It helps me step back and say, hey, that was yesterday and today is a new day and you have those that love you, and like you the way you are, maybe not the ones you had hopped, but good, likable people none the less. I need more good, likable people in my life.